Preparing for the Holidays When Family Time Doesn’t Feel Safe

The holidays are marketed as a season of joy, connection, and belonging but for many, they’re anything but. When family time feels unsafe emotionally, mentally, or even physically, the “most wonderful time of the year” can become the most triggering.

If you’re walking into the holidays with dread instead of excitement, you’re not broken. You’re protecting yourself. And that’s a valid, healthy response. Here’s how to prepare and care for yourself when family time doesn’t feel safe.

Define What “Safety” Means for You

Safety isn’t just about physical protection. It includes emotional and psychological safety, too. Ask yourself:

· Who in my family feels safe to be around?

· Who or what drains my energy or triggers pain?

· What boundaries protect my peace, even if others don’t understand them?

You don’t have to attend every gathering, answer every question, or smile through discomfort. You’re allowed to prioritize your sense of safety over anyone else’s expectations.

Set Boundaries Before You Go

Boundaries are harder to set in the moment so plan them ahead of time. You might decide:

· Time boundaries: “I’ll stay for one hour, then leave.”

· Conversation boundaries: “If they bring up that topic, I’ll walk away or change the subject.”

· Access boundaries: “They don’t get to know everything about my life.”

Boundaries aren’t walls; they’re doors you control. You get to decide who enters and how far.

Have an Exit Strategy (and Use It Without Guilt)

It’s okay to leave early, decline invitations, or spend the holidays elsewhere. Prepare a few gentle exit lines in advance:

“I’m not feeling well and need to rest.”

“I have another commitment.”

“I need some quiet time tonight.”

Your wellbeing matters more than appearances. Leaving to protect your peace isn’t rude. It’s responsible.

Create a “Safe Base” for the Season

If your family home doesn’t feel like a refuge, build your own safety elsewhere.

· Book a few nights with a trusted friend or relative.

· Schedule time with people who feel emotionally steady.

· Plan solo moments that refill your energy like a walk, a café visit, or even a drive with music.

You deserve a home for the holidays, even if you have to build it yourself.

Manage Contact, Not Obligation

You can still maintain limited contact without sacrificing your boundaries.

· Text instead of visiting.

· Send a holiday card rather than attending dinner.

· Keep calls brief, neutral, and kind if that’s what feels safest.

Participation is not proof of love. Protecting your mental health doesn’t make you cold; it makes you conscious.

Create Your Own Meaningful Traditions

If the traditional family picture doesn’t fit, paint your own version of the holidays.

· Volunteer, bake, or decorate for yourself.

· Start a tradition with chosen family or friends.

· Spend the day in quiet reflection or creative rest.

Holidays don’t belong only to “happy families.” They can belong to you, too, in your own way.

Safety Is a Gift You Can Give Yourself

You don’t owe anyone your presence at the cost of your peace. Choosing yourself this season, even if that means saying no, leaving early, or doing things differently, is a form of self-love.

You’re not avoiding the holidays. You’re redefining them in a way that honors your healing.